Category Archives: Uncategorized

a few things about a few things

So, earlier last week I posted a story about my awesome trainer writing into a local news story about my weight loss progress. Since then, Adam has had the preliminary interview with a reporter who will now take his words and make a proposal to her boss in hopes that it is newsworthy. We will be notified if we do or do not get a story. Whether is happens or not, I feel pretty good about being open to do it. And I love the fuck out of my trainer. So, we’ll see. In the meantime I’ll just be at the gym killing myself every morning. The scale hasn’t moved in a while. But I’m still holding it down at 197. And I’m good with that for now.

**

Here are a few texts messages between me and Adam.

Me: My ass really hurts today. So, thanks? 

Adam: You are welcome.

Me: I think my boobs are getting bigger because my peck muscles are getting bigger. This is really happening, right?

Adam: You are definitely developing peck muscles, breast tissue doesn’t work that way.

Me: So what you’re saying is, you hate me.

Adam: LOL! WHAT???

Me: I really want to do those walking planks with the push-ups in between during our workouts. Because it looks awesome and I get mad respect at the gym when I do them.

Adam: Also, they make you really strong!

Me: Yea. That too, I guess… I like people to be afraid/impressed by me. yay!

Adam: You’re funny, A.

**

Last weekend I had 2 dates with a boy, and I just want to say that aside from a small texting session we had on Monday, I have not heard from him. And I’m OK with that. I really meant what I said when I mentioned I was grateful for having met him and those few hours where I felt so much magic. Because it was magical.  I have not had a man make me feel so special in years. I forgot what it felt like to excited about a man.  I do not know what happened. He said he wanted to see me…He “we’d” me… He even took his profile down on Saturday night, but then reposted it on Tuesday. Men are funny. But then again, so are women.  I’m not going to spend another moment wondering why he disappeared- I did that yesterday and yesterday is just that.

So there it is. And like I said, I’m fine. When you start to really believe that everyone who comes into your life has a place and a purpose- even if for only a small moment, things get a lot easier.

***

I have a private client I see once a month. Her and her husband have some health issues and sometimes leave post-its in the bathroom for each other. I think this was fitting:

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Bella Luna

I met a boy.

We met the way most people meet nowadays, online. We exchanged pretty lengthy emails, back and forth over the course of 3 weeks. In reality, it felt like I was just talking to a friend. I liked him, but I liked who he was foremost. You can tell a lot about who someone by the way they talk about their family. I’ve learned this the hard way. He however spoke very differently.
I felt as if we both treaded lightly. No one was in a hurry to meet. No one implied there was an expiration date on how long we would write for. We just wrote nightly, about our days, our work, our pets. Easy… It was the kind of stuff I talk to my friends about everyday. Then last week he asked me if I wanted to have dinner. Dinner. Not coffee. Not a cocktail. Not the kind of meeting where it feels like an interview and you size each other up. A meal in a real restaurant, with a tablecloth between us. (Hi, I haven’t been taken out and treated well in a long time. I had no idea men still did this.)
So we met. The rest is a waterfall of good things.
We decided on thai food. I asked him to order for us, which he did and amazing things were brought to our table. We talked long and laughed hard- mouth open, eyes watering. We ate slowly and took our time. He got up when I got up AND also when I returned to our table. We talked even after the plates were cleared and the food boxed-up in those white square food containers that look like little purses.
After dinner, we went over to The Madonna Inn, where they have a huge dance floor. On Saturday nights they have a full orchestra that plays big band music. People- young and old- swing dance. We danced. This lovely gentleman took 4 years of swing dance lessons. And let me just say, he was a great lead. We talked in between small bursts of dancing. We didn’t cha-cha or jitterbug. Just a lot of basic east coast triple-step stuff. It was so damn fun. I was not always graceful, but he didn’t care. And we laughed a lot. And he twirled me and dipped me and made me feel like a girl, a teeny-tiny girl at that. There is something to be said for a man who knows how to hold a woman. It was lovely.
But it was when the band played this song that I think I actually levitated off the floor. And when the song was over, slowly we kissed. The kiss was exactly how a first kiss should be; awkward, a bit clunky, slow and sweet. But he held me like he meant it.
The moon was full outside, and for the first time in years I felt magic.
He trembled a little when we hugged and kissed goodnight. It made me think of that scene in Say Anything. If you’ve seen that movie, you’ll know exactly what part I mean. I drove home smiling.

I saw him the next day. We met for a beach walk/run/trot with his sweet dog, then later we had lunch. It was slightly less magical, but then again daylight has a reality of it’s own. It was good. We laughed and I felt like I could just talk and laugh and be happy in the moment. And I was.
The goodbye kiss was still a bit awkward, but he still held me like he meant it.
He wants to meet for dinner this week.

When you are treated really well for even a moment, you suddenly realize how poorly you have been treated in the past- by others and by yourself. Even if first dates are always good, it still highlights all the dates in between that were not so great. I also started thinking about a relationship I was in and how it was so fun at first… and then it wasn’t. And yesterday I asked myself, “At what point did you think you deserved to be treated badly. At what point did that make sense to you?”
It’s been a very cathartic 48 hours.

I don’t know what I’m doing with this guy. I have no real plans other than to just have fun and enjoy someone who enjoys my company. But I do know he was put in my path for a reason, even if that reason is to just open my heart and let me start believing in magic again. And if I never see him it again, it worked.

I’m so very grateful.

forgiveness.

I’ve been incredibly emotional lately. I’ve always been quick to tear-up, but as of late it is happening all the damn time. If this is an indicator of how menopause will be years from now, you can just count me out. I know it’s all the changes that are sending my emotions into hyperdrive.

My trainer Adam and I have been setting some new goals and he keeps coming up with a new kind of Hell for me every time we meet. But it’s been really good. A few months ago we did a body fat composition measurement, where I came in somewhere in the 33-34% range. We remeasured on Monday and I’m at 25% percent body fat now, which is considered within normal ranges. That just floors me. Of course I cried. And then we had this huge heart-to-heart talk about how I got here, what I’ve done, what I’ve changed and what my new goals are. We decided that I should go for the big 100 pound loss. That means another 18 pounds to go. Totally attainable. That would put me somewhere about a size 10. I’m somewhere between a 12-14 now. The 14’s fit but they are big. The 12’s fit, but they are just a tad snug. And then from there, we’ll see how it goes. Those numbers are surreal to me. But then again this whole journey has been. I haven’t been a size 10 since maybe I was 12 or 13 years old. I just remember I hit 200 fersure when I was 16. This poor body. She really needs a permanent break from all the weight I’ve been carrying around.
Anyway, Adam and I discussed all this in detail. That man knows as much about me as my good friends do, skin and all. I just get very real with him, and he listens and always has a plan. Even when I’m crying, he always lifts me up. And in no time I’m smiling.
So Monday night he sends me a late night text telling me he has a surprise for me the next day. Tuesday was not our normal training day, so I was kinda perplexed. Immediately I was thinking he wrote out some sort of vomit-inducing drills he wanted me to do. But I was wrong. He pulled me into his office and read me an email he had wrote to our local news station about me and my loss and my journey to the big 100. I wish I had the copy of it, because seriously it is a total Biggest Loser moment. He talked me up so big, I was completely overwhelmed. And that was enough for me- more than enough. But…they wrote back immediately. And now my local new station wants to do a story on me. ME. Can you even believe that shit? Because that kind of thing happens to other people.
Hearing that news terrified me. Because that means if I go through with this, I have to put it all out there. All of it! How I did it, how heavy I was, WHY I got that heavy… It all just sent me further into an emotional spiral. Poor, Adam. He’s fast with the tissues and hugs.
He gave me the day to think about it. “Noodle it over,” he says.

I talked my good friend Nicole about this, and she gave me the best advice. She told me I should do it. I could inspire someone who hears my story, maybe someone who felt like giving-up but at that very moment turned to TV on. She told me telling my story would take the shame out of being once heavy. Because my fear of talking about it is about just that very exact thing- shame. If I talk about it publicly, I have to reveal the secret that I was a horrible, obese mess. Truth is really scary.

I watch a lot of Life Class, and Iyanla Vanzant is always talking about forgiveness, or forgiving yourself so you can move-on and grow. But to forgive you have to get real with why you committed the act that you are so ashamed of. You must recognize this and recognize how you learned this behavior. It is at this point that you can leave it all behind and really start to heal. I’ve started this process, but I do believe that this is my next step in growing and living a more meaningful life. I need to forgive myself. So, I agreed to the interview.
How it will go down, what will be said, what will be aired, I don’t know. But I do know that I have been living and making choices for everyone but myself for a very long time. I’m not saying that people told me to get fat, but getting fat was how I responded to situations I didn’t want to be in, or things I thought I could not handle. And I just hated myself for that.
It is just in these past few days that I realized I could make myself really, truly happy again.
Huge moment. Light bulb. Pow. Ding! Ding! Ding! That’s big for me.

And in forgiving myself, I really want to learn to forgive others as well. Because honestly, I carry a lot of anger in my heart and I’m ready to let it go.

Forgive myself. Forgive others. Live. Love. Be Happy. Be healthy. Feel joy… All of it. It’s coming. It’s here.

“Everything that happens to you is a reflection of what you believe about yourself. We cannot outperform our level of self-esteem. We cannot draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth.”

“The only way to get what you really want is to let go of what you don’t want.”

“Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. It does not exonerate the perpetrator.”

― Iyanla Vanzant

thirteen point one


“Everything you can imagine is real.” Pablo Picasso

It’s pretty amazing when you imagine a day of your life to go a certain way, have a certain feel, and it does- only it’s about a million times better than your highest hopes thought it could possibly be. On September 2nd I ran my first (FIRST!) half marathon, and it was by far the greatest moment in my life (thus far).

It was a long weekend filled with amazing friends, family, support, laughs- nervous laughs, and trying to remain calm without completely freaking out. I’m so lucky to have my good friend, Tana. She ran with me (though not WITH me) and was a tremendous source of support through it all. I pretty much spent all weekend with her until just after the race. It’s great to have a friend who you can look at and just know exactly what the other is thinking. Most of those looks of course translated to OH MY FUCKING GOD, WE ARE DOING THIS!!!. We embraced that look back and forth to each other over 2 days. But you know what, we did it. It happened. Our alarms rang at 3:30 am. We suited up, packed our runner’s belts, made breakfast to-go and left the house by 4am. And when we arrived and walked to our assigned running corrals that was it, there was no going back. Shortly after the National Anthem was sung, the race began. And can I just say how surreal it is to hear the National Anthem sung at a sporting event YOU are participating in? That shit only happens to athletes! And there’s the epiphany! I AM an athlete. And that’s when I started to cry. I usually cry when I hear it sung anyway, but on this day I really cried. I covered my mouth and actually let out a small sob. It’s really overwhelming being in a crowd like that, all lined-up, all waiting, knowing everyone has trained for months just like you. It’s electric and emotional and surreal. And I will never forget that moment.

At about every 1 1/3 miles was a water and sports drink stop, followed by a line a bathrooms. I utilized them.
Every mile marker had entertainment of some kind, high school bands and drill teams and cheerleaders. But at mile 7 my own cheer squad was waiting for me.

Seeing my parents and my sister standing there made my heart ache with happiness. I chose not to stop and hug them because I knew I’d breakdown and cry (even more!) and I just wanted to keep running. My sister screamed, “That’s my sister!” as I ran by. I had forgotten I could still make my family proud of me.

I have to adress my playlist again, because it really helped me get those miles done. There are lots of songs I will hear again, and forever know exactly where I was when they came on. Those songs proved especially important around mile 11. I was tired and a little crampy by then, but how can you even consider stopping when you only have 2-ish miles to go? Those last 2 miles I smiled painfully and hi-fived all kinds of strangers holding out their open palms on the sidelines. Having complete strangers cheer you on and applaud you is almost as thrilling as seeing your own friends do it. And at the tail end of mile 12, just as I was approaching the finish line, I saw my good friends Donn and Allan. They literally materialized out of nowhere. At that point I did practically jump on the fence and hug them both, then I ran to the finish, arms over my head- SMILING! And it was over.

I met-up with Tana and the guys shortly after. We all laughed and hugged and ate cookies that Donn had made us and we all sat in the shade. Looking at those medals around our necks and realizing that THAT just happened was indescribable.
It still feels unreal. I’m so glad I have pictures and a medal to prove I actually did it.

I really feel like I can do anything now. That means it’s time to set new goals. I’ve taken the last few days off to let my body rest a bit and just eat some good food. But I’ll be back on the fitness train soon. I know I want to do another half marathon, but how soon that will be is yet to be determined. For now I’l just bask in my glory for a while.
I did it. I really did it.

It’s here.

I’m scared, excited, nervous and everything in between.
We picked-up our racing numbers today, saw the finish line and took it all in.

I am actually trembling.
So now I’m here waiting. All I have to do now is run.

To be continued…

One sick list

Disaster. I have a horrible head cold and I have 6 days to get 100% better.
I keep trying to talk myself out of this sickness, on top of taking every remedy you can possible imagine; viatmin C & D. Theraflu, NiteQuil, All Fruit Vitamins, and enough water to kill a fish.
Please send good healthy thoughts my way. Light a candle. Break a wishbone. Anything.

I’ve spent the last few days working on my Ultimate Half Marathon Playlist. I listened to it a lot today and have been doing a lot of visualizations of me running and breathing just fine. So in effort to further distract myself from this ickiness, here is the list in it’s entirety.

(And yes, some of it is totally cheesy- but it’s better than the lame ultimate running playlist listed on Pintrest.

I needed a large variety. Here it goes.

I’m Sexy and I know it- LMFAO
Where have you been- Rihanna
Please don’t stop the music- Rihanna
Stop- Jane’s addiction
Johnny Hit and Run Pauline- X
Last Dance- Donna Summer
I Got a feeling- Black Eye Peas
Say Anything- Bouncing Souls
Girls Like me- Bonnie Hays
Unexpected Lovers- Lime
The Girl You Want- Devo
You Should Be Dancing- The Bee Jees
Pints of Guiness make us stronger- Against ME!
S&M- Rihanna
The Edge of Glory- Lady Gaga
The Once over Twice- X
Disconnected- Face to Face
Don’t Lose Touch- Against Me!
Angst in my pants- Thompson Twins
Naughty Girl- Beyonce
Just a Girl- No Doubt
Kate is Great- Bouncing Souls
Brass Monkey- Beastie Boys
Hollywood Swinging- Cool n the Gang
Meet Me Halfway- Black Eye Peas
Teenage Dream- Katie Perry
Tonight we’re gonna give it 35%- Against Me!
Roll Away Your Stone- Mumford and Sons
All We Could Do is Sing- Port O’Brian
No Brakes- The Bravery
Your Phone’s off the hook but you’re not- X
Babe We’re Gonna Love Tonight- Lime
Smiling while your friends are watching you- Operation Ivy
Bicycle- Queen
Bikeage- Face to FAce
Jump Around- House of Pain
Blister in the Sun- Violent Femmes
Anything, anything- Dramarama
American Girl- Tom Petty
Boys Don’t Cry- The Cure
It’s Not Over- Face to Face
I Will Survive- Gloria Gaynor
Well Respected Man- The Kinks
M & M’s- Blink 182
Don’t Stop Believing- Journey
Stronger- Kanye West
I Fink You Freaky- Die Antwoord
Josie- Blink 182
Don’t Tel Me- Madonna
I wanna be sedated- Ramones
What’s Important to you- Against me!
Only the beginning- Chicago
Only Girl in the world- Rihanna
Music- Madonna
Gone, baby gone- Violent Femmes
Atomic- Blondie
A good thing- DEVO
Personal Space- Bad Reaction
Momma Said Knock you out- LL COOL J
Born this way- Lady Gaga
World hold on- Bob Sinclair
Punk Rock Girl- Disel Boy
Boom Boom Pow- Black Eye Peas
It’s a long way to the top- AC/DC
Fergalicious- Fergie
Just Dance- Lady Gaga
Dancing with myself- Billy Idol
I’ve been waiting a long time- Green Day
Americano- Lady Gaga
Damn, you’re a sexy bitch- David Guetta
Bomshell- Operation Ivy
Anyway you want it- Journey
Neighborhood #1 (tunnels)- Arcade Fire
Hitching a Ride- Green Day
Kiss Off- Violent Femmes
Everybody- Black Box
Knowledge- Operation Ivy
Jaded- Green Day
Judy is a punk- Ramones
On to the next one- Foo Fighters
Everlong- Foo Fighters
Back on the Chain Gang- Pretenders
Bob- NO FX
Nervous Breakdown- Circle Jerks
Gonna Fly Now- The Theme from Rocky ***I always laugh when I hear it
Awake my should- Mumford and Sons
Foreplay/Longtime- Boston (for Nicole)
Blitzkregbop- The Ramones
Whip It- DEVO
Lust for Life- Iggy Pop
Rebellion (lies)- Arcade Fire
The Payback- James Brown
In between days- The Cure
Wake Up- Arcade Fire
Better Man- Pearl Jam
You can do it (put your back into it)- Ice Cube
Becoming Insane- Infected Mushroom
Bad Girls- Donna Summer
You Don’t Stop- Beastie Boys
What do I get- Buzzcocks
Where Eagles Dare- Misfits
learn to Fly- foo fighters
Marry the Night- lady Gaga
Eye of the Tiger- Rock Soundtrack ***yea, yea, I know!!!
Titanium- David Guetta ft. Sia
Don’t Stop Me Now- Queen
Sabotage- beastie boys
firework- Katie Perry
Someday Someway- Marshall Crenshaw
I believe in Love- Barbara Streisand from “A Star is Born” (For my sister)
We a found love (in a hopeless place)- Rihanna
I’m coming out- Diana Ross
September- Earth, Wind and Fire
Float On- Modest Mouse
Don’t Leave Me This Way- Thelma Houston
Violet- Hole
Hanging on the telephone- Blondie
Don’t Stop to you Get enough- Michael Jackson
Gimme some more- Black Flag
Walk- Foo Fighters
Lose Yourself- Eminem
You got me working day and night- Michael Jackson

And there it is. Don’t judge me.

Ready

Last week I said goodbye to my 200’s forever. After a few weeks of hanging around 200-202, after giving up bananas and pretty much all fruit, after running for more than 2 hours and giving up carbs, I did it. I woke up last Thursday just feeling… different. I could really feel my hip bones and see my collarbone in the mirror that morning. I was optimistic and decided to weigh myself. There is was 199.2. And an hour later I was 198. Today, I am 197. It did it. I really did it. And the best part it is, it has actually stuck for more than 12 hours. Also, as of right now I have hit the 80 pound loss mark. That just blows me away. Damn… It’s all unreal. But even in my euphoria I know I am determined to never see that number 2 at the beginning of my weight EVER again.

***

Two weeks ago I decided to try and run 12 miles (just 1 mile short of my half marathon distance). I thought I was ready, and I felt ready, but the run ended with my limping and crying, then crying even more when I got to my car. Actually I was sobbing. But I had a good, hard, long look at what went wrong and there were MANY factors. For one I decided to take just water in my pack and not any type of electrolyte aid. That was a really stupid idea. The air was very thin because the fog layer that morning was very thick. So I sweated a lot- more than a lot. This resulted in a huge loss of sodium. Then around mile 8 the cramping started. It started with one calve, then the other, then the hamstrings, then up into my ass. At this point, I tried to just jog a few minutes at a time, but even that proved too painful. I tried though… THEN, because I was walking funny and out of electrolytes my feet swelled. That resulted in blisters behind a couple of my toenails. Doesn’t that sound awesome? I can assure you it is not.
That day sucked. A good friend of mine who does Ironman competitions reminded me that this is why we have bad runs BEFORE the event day, so we can workout all the bugs and really shine come game time. He was right, and I have since made some big changes in the last 8 days.
1.) I was using GU gels during my runs, but not having them often enough. I now will ingest one every 30 mins while running.
2.) I now carry water AND gatorade with me.
3.) I eat a bigger breakfast before long runs. A carb, peanut butter on it and a banana.
4.) I bought new running shoes 1 size larger to compensate for my feet swelling. (Already they feel amazing.)
5.) I invested in some different run-wear quick dry clothes. What a HUGE difference. I sweat, but my clothes stay bone dry.

So, now I’m ready.
I did a 5 mile run yesterday and tried all the new changes and it went swimmingly well.
7 days and counting…
I can’t believe it is here. I cannot believe that I will be running 13.1 miles and doing it under 200 pounds. I’m just beside myself. But here it is. And here I am. Ready… for anything.

there is no finish line

Today I ran 10 miles. Some of them weren’t pretty, but I ran my heart out and was happy to be done. I hydrated better this time and ate really well. There was NO runner’s poop when I got home- thank you lord! I did have some abdominal cramping but other than that I felt ok. I ate some carbs then treated my self to a small vanilla shake. (That shit tasted AH-MAZING.) I’m still pounding the water and I don’t feel as fatigued as last time, though I just noticed how achey my knees and feet are. I’m a little worried… Next week Sunday I’m doing a 12 mile beach run. It will be easier on my legs and feet, even though I know the half marathon is on asphalt. I just want to do a 12 mile run that will feel easy so I won’t be freaked out as to how 13.1 miles will feel when I actually do them on the street. Did I mention I’m worried?

Last week was a struggle. It was very hard to keep up with all the food and workout stuff. I had to really talk myself into those early mornings at the gym. The treadmill felt like a prison. Honestly, I’m just really fucking tired and need a break. I have been working at this since May of last year and I am just…exhausted. My good friend, Coco and I exchanged several text messages about just how exhausted we are. We both acknowledge this is a lifetime gig; there is no finish line. It’s sometimes very daunting. I just keep telling myself to keep on pushing. I’m still trying to break 200 (And yes, I still had a vanilla shake. I wanted it.) and I gotta do this little run at the end of the month. I have decided that after my event I am going to give myself the week off. I have talked to my trainer about it and even he agrees I need a break/reward. He keeps saying I’m going to hit a wall if I don’t take a “real break”. Even professional athletes do this apparently. Well, guess what? I hit that wall. I’m taking that break in just a few weeks. I will sleep in, rest my body, stretch and try to eat mindfully, but other than that I will remain still. This body could use some stillness.

In spite of a hard week, my good friend Laurie convinced me for the second time in 2 weeks to do a sunrise hike. I did this hike last week with her too at a very early hour. This time we met even earlier (at 5:30 am) and with flash lights in-hand, we ascended Bishop’s Peak. It was all but completely dark for the first 25 mins. We climbed quickly and got to the top in just about 45 mins. I was drenched and tired, but the view was amazing and SO satisfying. We climbed that thing so fast, so determined and saw gold at the top. We both agreed that was the fastest either of us had done it. The first time I ever tried it it took me 90 mins. We did a round trip in less than that.

***

Last weekend I drove down into Los Angeles to see my family. Like always it was wonderful and seeing my family -especially my niece and nephew, always ALWAYS fills my love tank. They are so full of joy and life and love. They say the smartest, silliest, most honest words. And in those moments I want to bottle -up all that good stuff and keep it in a vial in my purse, and with me at all times.
I hope one day I have a family like that of my own.
If not… I may just be a lesbian. I’m sort of half serious. I know I have touched on this before, but I’m thinking maybe it’s something I’ll explore later. Seriously, there is this real possibility that I may never get a chance to have children, and if and when that day comes I don’t want to be lonely. I want companionship. I get along with woman. I think woman are beautiful to look at and to hold. I could entertain this idea and get real with it, I think. Or, as I’ve told my good friends, you might just all have come along for the ride if I decide to go through a lesbian phase. So there. And I promise if this ever comes to fruition, I won’t hit on any of you! See? Happy? Everyone take a breath now.

Here, look at this picture from my hike. Magic, right? Think of this and not me scissoring some girl named, Mo.

Love and Loss

(First and foremost, before you begin to read, know that I am still full of hope.)

There are moments when I lose all faith in men. I know that sounds awful, but it’s just the truth. I haven’t even really been looking for a partner, or trying to date. But I did put it out there into the universe that I wanted to be noticed, and the universe heard me. But as we all know, the universe has a strange sense of humor.

In the last few months I have had several men float in and out my life rather quickly. Sometimes they left before I even realized they had crept into my sight. None of them had the will or the capacity to really get to know me though. But here are a few examples of what happened.

A boy invites me to a BBQ, does not show up because he decided he needed a Papa Smurf tattoo instead. I’m not kidding.

After several months of flirting with me, The Physician’s Assistant at my office sends sexy text messages to me, approaches me in my massage room and kisses me in a way that says, let’s get naked, then never follows-up or calls or texts me again.

A friend’s friend wants to meet me after seeing several pictures of me. When we finally have a conversation, the first thing he wants to know is how old I am. When I tell him 36 (he is 25), he then precedes to tell me how good I look for my age, but really that was out of his range. *I wasn’t even all that interested…

Met a boy at a bar through a mutual friend, we hit it off. He calls several days later and remembers all kinds of details I told him about myself the night we met. I swoon. Me have a date, a great date, and make plans to meet-up again on the weekend. The events that followed after our meeting went something like this; he saw fat pictures of me on Facebook, deleted his friend request, didn’t return my phone call asking him about the weekend, and I never heard from again.  It may sounds silly, but I cried. A lot. I also got really drunk and cried the next day too. Pathetic much?

So much for chivalry.

I realize eventually I’ll need to get back on that horse and ride. One day I will. I just had some very hard realizations through this all. Losing weight hasn’t made my life easier or better in every capacity. That’s not to say I have the burning desire to be fat again, because believe me, I do not. But I think there was this part of me that thought when I was at a certain weight/size men would see me differently and react. Well, that has happened, but love isn’t exactly knocking down my door. Just because I’ve lost nearly 80 pounds, I am not bullet proof when it comes to the disappointment of rejection. I had forgotten what that felt like. Losing weight doesn’t make your heart an less sensitive. I also think maybe I’m just not ready for all this yet. I needed validation that I was attractive and I got it. I need to embrace that, so I don’t want to dwell on this for too long. Honestly, I just don’t have time. And secondly, I don’t want to be that “I just need a good man” type. I know there is more to life and with that I acknowledge just how much better a lot of things have gotten since the drop in weight.

Here is my good list:

-I’m smaller. I’m in a size 14 now. A true size 14. No 16’s can stay on my hips. It’s funny. Shopping is suddenly so easy.

-I’m faster. I recently ran my second 10k of the summer. I took a 10 whole minutes off my time between the first and the last run.

-I’m happier. Exercise does wonders of your psyche.

-I have more energy. In fact, I took some photos for a good friend of mine this week, and it was an all day thing. I was up and down ladders, crawling on the ground, running through sand- and I wasn’t breathless once. I didn’t even break a sweat.

-People tell me how good I look- VERY often.

When I start making lists of good things that are happening, I understand just how much I need to focus on the very important things right now. Meeting a man shouldn’t really be a priority. I have a half marathon to run in 6 weeks. I start another semester of school in 4 weeks. I’m 3 pounds away from breaking the 200 mark. I’ll be moving at the end of the year and have many things to tie-up. THOSE are the things that really matter right now. That’s where my focus needs to be.

 

This is my new favorite running song. It’s pretty fitting right now.
I am Titanium

The other kind of Independence Day

Suddenly, it’s July.

Back in June I had posted that Coco and I were going to not only do double workouts, but try and drop 10 pounds as well in the 30 days June had to offer. So, this is what happened:

I worked out A LOT. I did double workouts 4x a week, and 2 regular-day workouts as well. I ate better and actually ate more. I quickly discovered that the more you workout the more you actually have to eat. Hmm… So that’s why I was feeling so shitty for all those months! (DING! DING! DING!) I ran my ass off, I doubled up training sessions and by the last week of June, I hit a wall. I was tired, sore and slightly unmotivated. I ended up going to LA for a long weekend and though I brought my running clothes, I chose to eat well (as in NOT well), visit people I love, and rest. It did wonders for me. And when I went for a run on Monday morning I felt a sense of renewal and was astounded by my increased energy. There is something to be said for “rest days”. And I really hate it when my trainer is right! But yea, it went well. And even though I had two days of eating totally shitty (I actually drank a 32 oz vanilla shake one night) I didn’t gain my seventy-something pounds back. I didn’t gain any weight at all in fact, which makes me realize just how fast my metabolism is burning. Amazing. I’ll get back to this thought in a minute. As for total weight loss for the month of June… THREE POUNDS lost. Just 3. Not 10. And I can live with that, because it was a hard three pounds to lose. And if that meant I got to have a vanilla shake before dinner one night, then it was totally worth it. Also, I can now run 5 miles in just about 1 hour. That’s pretty fast, mutha fuckas! Yay, me! I’m going to take every victory I can right now, because that’s what keeps me going. So that was June.

New goals for July:

Break 200. I’ve been saying this and wanting this since April. 200 is my arch nemesis. Seriously, I have not been under 200 for years. And the last time I was, it literally lasted like 12 hours, then I lost my shit over something ridiculous and started to gain weight again. Yea. Awesome.
In order to break the 200 mark I have to give up alcohol. I already started. It’s been 6 days so far and I have already lost 1 pound, so I can already tell my body likes what it’s feeling. I drink a lot. And by a lot I don’t mean a lot everyday, I just mean everyday. I always have wine at my house. I always have wine with dinner or after dinner. It was how I was unwinding. It was my “reward” for all my hard workouts. But all that has proven to stop the progress I am making. So, alcohol has got to go.
It’s kind of a busy month full of get-togethers, so I’ll allow myself a glass or two per occasion, but I can already tell I may change my mind. For instance, last night I went to a baseball game, complete with fireworks and lawn seats. I actually drank water. WATER- not icy beer with a hot dog on the side. I brought an apple and a banana to eat too. Yep, I sure am fun these days. It’s going to be totally worth it in the end, so I’m doing it.
My last goal for July is to take the fear out of eating. As I mentioned before, I was surprised that I didn’t gain all my weight back after a weekend of bad eating. I was surprised. Because in my mind eating bad is what got me into this mess and if I waiver from my good eating habits for just one moment it’s all coming back. Well, that is just ridiculous. I can eat the occasional cheeseburger and I won’t gain 10 pounds overnight. I CAN. Because I didn’t gain all that weight in one night in the first place. I gained it over a long period of time of not loving myself or believing in who I was or could be. That’s how I got there. I got there from eating out from a drive-thru 15x a week. I didn’t gain it from eating at Chili’s and having a margarita with my girlfriend. And I really want to be that carefree from time to time. I don’t want to stress when there is a special occasion, or if I have horrible PMS and need a whole bag  a giant handful of Kettle Chips. It’s OK to have those things sometimes. I should be able to do it without feeling horrible about myself. It’s not everyday I do that, but it is everyday that I eat really fucking well. So I need to calm the fuck down and enjoy those moments when they occur. I’m going to try to anyway.

Losing weight has become a continuous mind fuck. You are constantly trying to talk yourself into working out, eating well, getting faster, getting stronger. You flex your muscles everyday and try to look beyond the loose skin and saggy boobs. You tell yourself the scale doesn’t matter because the clothes are loose. That is a hard thing to do- even though the outcome is still awesome. These are all great things, but they are exhausting. It’s a full time job. When people tell you that you are obsessed, you want to scream at them THAT’S HOW SHIT GETS DONE! Because it is how shit gets done. You have to flex and workout your mind just as you do your body, so that you’re both on the same page. That’s how it works. It’s hard. And if you’ve ever had to lose a large amount of weight, it’s even harder.

But I’m feeling less crazy these days, and that is something. And like I said before, I’ll take every victory I can right now.