Monthly Archives: September 2012

forgiveness.

I’ve been incredibly emotional lately. I’ve always been quick to tear-up, but as of late it is happening all the damn time. If this is an indicator of how menopause will be years from now, you can just count me out. I know it’s all the changes that are sending my emotions into hyperdrive.

My trainer Adam and I have been setting some new goals and he keeps coming up with a new kind of Hell for me every time we meet. But it’s been really good. A few months ago we did a body fat composition measurement, where I came in somewhere in the 33-34% range. We remeasured on Monday and I’m at 25% percent body fat now, which is considered within normal ranges. That just floors me. Of course I cried. And then we had this huge heart-to-heart talk about how I got here, what I’ve done, what I’ve changed and what my new goals are. We decided that I should go for the big 100 pound loss. That means another 18 pounds to go. Totally attainable. That would put me somewhere about a size 10. I’m somewhere between a 12-14 now. The 14’s fit but they are big. The 12’s fit, but they are just a tad snug. And then from there, we’ll see how it goes. Those numbers are surreal to me. But then again this whole journey has been. I haven’t been a size 10 since maybe I was 12 or 13 years old. I just remember I hit 200 fersure when I was 16. This poor body. She really needs a permanent break from all the weight I’ve been carrying around.
Anyway, Adam and I discussed all this in detail. That man knows as much about me as my good friends do, skin and all. I just get very real with him, and he listens and always has a plan. Even when I’m crying, he always lifts me up. And in no time I’m smiling.
So Monday night he sends me a late night text telling me he has a surprise for me the next day. Tuesday was not our normal training day, so I was kinda perplexed. Immediately I was thinking he wrote out some sort of vomit-inducing drills he wanted me to do. But I was wrong. He pulled me into his office and read me an email he had wrote to our local news station about me and my loss and my journey to the big 100. I wish I had the copy of it, because seriously it is a total Biggest Loser moment. He talked me up so big, I was completely overwhelmed. And that was enough for me- more than enough. But…they wrote back immediately. And now my local new station wants to do a story on me. ME. Can you even believe that shit? Because that kind of thing happens to other people.
Hearing that news terrified me. Because that means if I go through with this, I have to put it all out there. All of it! How I did it, how heavy I was, WHY I got that heavy… It all just sent me further into an emotional spiral. Poor, Adam. He’s fast with the tissues and hugs.
He gave me the day to think about it. “Noodle it over,” he says.

I talked my good friend Nicole about this, and she gave me the best advice. She told me I should do it. I could inspire someone who hears my story, maybe someone who felt like giving-up but at that very moment turned to TV on. She told me telling my story would take the shame out of being once heavy. Because my fear of talking about it is about just that very exact thing- shame. If I talk about it publicly, I have to reveal the secret that I was a horrible, obese mess. Truth is really scary.

I watch a lot of Life Class, and Iyanla Vanzant is always talking about forgiveness, or forgiving yourself so you can move-on and grow. But to forgive you have to get real with why you committed the act that you are so ashamed of. You must recognize this and recognize how you learned this behavior. It is at this point that you can leave it all behind and really start to heal. I’ve started this process, but I do believe that this is my next step in growing and living a more meaningful life. I need to forgive myself. So, I agreed to the interview.
How it will go down, what will be said, what will be aired, I don’t know. But I do know that I have been living and making choices for everyone but myself for a very long time. I’m not saying that people told me to get fat, but getting fat was how I responded to situations I didn’t want to be in, or things I thought I could not handle. And I just hated myself for that.
It is just in these past few days that I realized I could make myself really, truly happy again.
Huge moment. Light bulb. Pow. Ding! Ding! Ding! That’s big for me.

And in forgiving myself, I really want to learn to forgive others as well. Because honestly, I carry a lot of anger in my heart and I’m ready to let it go.

Forgive myself. Forgive others. Live. Love. Be Happy. Be healthy. Feel joy… All of it. It’s coming. It’s here.

“Everything that happens to you is a reflection of what you believe about yourself. We cannot outperform our level of self-esteem. We cannot draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth.”

“The only way to get what you really want is to let go of what you don’t want.”

“Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. It does not exonerate the perpetrator.”

― Iyanla Vanzant

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thirteen point one


“Everything you can imagine is real.” Pablo Picasso

It’s pretty amazing when you imagine a day of your life to go a certain way, have a certain feel, and it does- only it’s about a million times better than your highest hopes thought it could possibly be. On September 2nd I ran my first (FIRST!) half marathon, and it was by far the greatest moment in my life (thus far).

It was a long weekend filled with amazing friends, family, support, laughs- nervous laughs, and trying to remain calm without completely freaking out. I’m so lucky to have my good friend, Tana. She ran with me (though not WITH me) and was a tremendous source of support through it all. I pretty much spent all weekend with her until just after the race. It’s great to have a friend who you can look at and just know exactly what the other is thinking. Most of those looks of course translated to OH MY FUCKING GOD, WE ARE DOING THIS!!!. We embraced that look back and forth to each other over 2 days. But you know what, we did it. It happened. Our alarms rang at 3:30 am. We suited up, packed our runner’s belts, made breakfast to-go and left the house by 4am. And when we arrived and walked to our assigned running corrals that was it, there was no going back. Shortly after the National Anthem was sung, the race began. And can I just say how surreal it is to hear the National Anthem sung at a sporting event YOU are participating in? That shit only happens to athletes! And there’s the epiphany! I AM an athlete. And that’s when I started to cry. I usually cry when I hear it sung anyway, but on this day I really cried. I covered my mouth and actually let out a small sob. It’s really overwhelming being in a crowd like that, all lined-up, all waiting, knowing everyone has trained for months just like you. It’s electric and emotional and surreal. And I will never forget that moment.

At about every 1 1/3 miles was a water and sports drink stop, followed by a line a bathrooms. I utilized them.
Every mile marker had entertainment of some kind, high school bands and drill teams and cheerleaders. But at mile 7 my own cheer squad was waiting for me.

Seeing my parents and my sister standing there made my heart ache with happiness. I chose not to stop and hug them because I knew I’d breakdown and cry (even more!) and I just wanted to keep running. My sister screamed, “That’s my sister!” as I ran by. I had forgotten I could still make my family proud of me.

I have to adress my playlist again, because it really helped me get those miles done. There are lots of songs I will hear again, and forever know exactly where I was when they came on. Those songs proved especially important around mile 11. I was tired and a little crampy by then, but how can you even consider stopping when you only have 2-ish miles to go? Those last 2 miles I smiled painfully and hi-fived all kinds of strangers holding out their open palms on the sidelines. Having complete strangers cheer you on and applaud you is almost as thrilling as seeing your own friends do it. And at the tail end of mile 12, just as I was approaching the finish line, I saw my good friends Donn and Allan. They literally materialized out of nowhere. At that point I did practically jump on the fence and hug them both, then I ran to the finish, arms over my head- SMILING! And it was over.

I met-up with Tana and the guys shortly after. We all laughed and hugged and ate cookies that Donn had made us and we all sat in the shade. Looking at those medals around our necks and realizing that THAT just happened was indescribable.
It still feels unreal. I’m so glad I have pictures and a medal to prove I actually did it.

I really feel like I can do anything now. That means it’s time to set new goals. I’ve taken the last few days off to let my body rest a bit and just eat some good food. But I’ll be back on the fitness train soon. I know I want to do another half marathon, but how soon that will be is yet to be determined. For now I’l just bask in my glory for a while.
I did it. I really did it.

It’s here.

I’m scared, excited, nervous and everything in between.
We picked-up our racing numbers today, saw the finish line and took it all in.

I am actually trembling.
So now I’m here waiting. All I have to do now is run.

To be continued…