Monthly Archives: August 2012

One sick list

Disaster. I have a horrible head cold and I have 6 days to get 100% better.
I keep trying to talk myself out of this sickness, on top of taking every remedy you can possible imagine; viatmin C & D. Theraflu, NiteQuil, All Fruit Vitamins, and enough water to kill a fish.
Please send good healthy thoughts my way. Light a candle. Break a wishbone. Anything.

I’ve spent the last few days working on my Ultimate Half Marathon Playlist. I listened to it a lot today and have been doing a lot of visualizations of me running and breathing just fine. So in effort to further distract myself from this ickiness, here is the list in it’s entirety.

(And yes, some of it is totally cheesy- but it’s better than the lame ultimate running playlist listed on Pintrest.

I needed a large variety. Here it goes.

I’m Sexy and I know it- LMFAO
Where have you been- Rihanna
Please don’t stop the music- Rihanna
Stop- Jane’s addiction
Johnny Hit and Run Pauline- X
Last Dance- Donna Summer
I Got a feeling- Black Eye Peas
Say Anything- Bouncing Souls
Girls Like me- Bonnie Hays
Unexpected Lovers- Lime
The Girl You Want- Devo
You Should Be Dancing- The Bee Jees
Pints of Guiness make us stronger- Against ME!
S&M- Rihanna
The Edge of Glory- Lady Gaga
The Once over Twice- X
Disconnected- Face to Face
Don’t Lose Touch- Against Me!
Angst in my pants- Thompson Twins
Naughty Girl- Beyonce
Just a Girl- No Doubt
Kate is Great- Bouncing Souls
Brass Monkey- Beastie Boys
Hollywood Swinging- Cool n the Gang
Meet Me Halfway- Black Eye Peas
Teenage Dream- Katie Perry
Tonight we’re gonna give it 35%- Against Me!
Roll Away Your Stone- Mumford and Sons
All We Could Do is Sing- Port O’Brian
No Brakes- The Bravery
Your Phone’s off the hook but you’re not- X
Babe We’re Gonna Love Tonight- Lime
Smiling while your friends are watching you- Operation Ivy
Bicycle- Queen
Bikeage- Face to FAce
Jump Around- House of Pain
Blister in the Sun- Violent Femmes
Anything, anything- Dramarama
American Girl- Tom Petty
Boys Don’t Cry- The Cure
It’s Not Over- Face to Face
I Will Survive- Gloria Gaynor
Well Respected Man- The Kinks
M & M’s- Blink 182
Don’t Stop Believing- Journey
Stronger- Kanye West
I Fink You Freaky- Die Antwoord
Josie- Blink 182
Don’t Tel Me- Madonna
I wanna be sedated- Ramones
What’s Important to you- Against me!
Only the beginning- Chicago
Only Girl in the world- Rihanna
Music- Madonna
Gone, baby gone- Violent Femmes
Atomic- Blondie
A good thing- DEVO
Personal Space- Bad Reaction
Momma Said Knock you out- LL COOL J
Born this way- Lady Gaga
World hold on- Bob Sinclair
Punk Rock Girl- Disel Boy
Boom Boom Pow- Black Eye Peas
It’s a long way to the top- AC/DC
Fergalicious- Fergie
Just Dance- Lady Gaga
Dancing with myself- Billy Idol
I’ve been waiting a long time- Green Day
Americano- Lady Gaga
Damn, you’re a sexy bitch- David Guetta
Bomshell- Operation Ivy
Anyway you want it- Journey
Neighborhood #1 (tunnels)- Arcade Fire
Hitching a Ride- Green Day
Kiss Off- Violent Femmes
Everybody- Black Box
Knowledge- Operation Ivy
Jaded- Green Day
Judy is a punk- Ramones
On to the next one- Foo Fighters
Everlong- Foo Fighters
Back on the Chain Gang- Pretenders
Bob- NO FX
Nervous Breakdown- Circle Jerks
Gonna Fly Now- The Theme from Rocky ***I always laugh when I hear it
Awake my should- Mumford and Sons
Foreplay/Longtime- Boston (for Nicole)
Blitzkregbop- The Ramones
Whip It- DEVO
Lust for Life- Iggy Pop
Rebellion (lies)- Arcade Fire
The Payback- James Brown
In between days- The Cure
Wake Up- Arcade Fire
Better Man- Pearl Jam
You can do it (put your back into it)- Ice Cube
Becoming Insane- Infected Mushroom
Bad Girls- Donna Summer
You Don’t Stop- Beastie Boys
What do I get- Buzzcocks
Where Eagles Dare- Misfits
learn to Fly- foo fighters
Marry the Night- lady Gaga
Eye of the Tiger- Rock Soundtrack ***yea, yea, I know!!!
Titanium- David Guetta ft. Sia
Don’t Stop Me Now- Queen
Sabotage- beastie boys
firework- Katie Perry
Someday Someway- Marshall Crenshaw
I believe in Love- Barbara Streisand from “A Star is Born” (For my sister)
We a found love (in a hopeless place)- Rihanna
I’m coming out- Diana Ross
September- Earth, Wind and Fire
Float On- Modest Mouse
Don’t Leave Me This Way- Thelma Houston
Violet- Hole
Hanging on the telephone- Blondie
Don’t Stop to you Get enough- Michael Jackson
Gimme some more- Black Flag
Walk- Foo Fighters
Lose Yourself- Eminem
You got me working day and night- Michael Jackson

And there it is. Don’t judge me.



Last week I said goodbye to my 200’s forever. After a few weeks of hanging around 200-202, after giving up bananas and pretty much all fruit, after running for more than 2 hours and giving up carbs, I did it. I woke up last Thursday just feeling… different. I could really feel my hip bones and see my collarbone in the mirror that morning. I was optimistic and decided to weigh myself. There is was 199.2. And an hour later I was 198. Today, I am 197. It did it. I really did it. And the best part it is, it has actually stuck for more than 12 hours. Also, as of right now I have hit the 80 pound loss mark. That just blows me away. Damn… It’s all unreal. But even in my euphoria I know I am determined to never see that number 2 at the beginning of my weight EVER again.


Two weeks ago I decided to try and run 12 miles (just 1 mile short of my half marathon distance). I thought I was ready, and I felt ready, but the run ended with my limping and crying, then crying even more when I got to my car. Actually I was sobbing. But I had a good, hard, long look at what went wrong and there were MANY factors. For one I decided to take just water in my pack and not any type of electrolyte aid. That was a really stupid idea. The air was very thin because the fog layer that morning was very thick. So I sweated a lot- more than a lot. This resulted in a huge loss of sodium. Then around mile 8 the cramping started. It started with one calve, then the other, then the hamstrings, then up into my ass. At this point, I tried to just jog a few minutes at a time, but even that proved too painful. I tried though… THEN, because I was walking funny and out of electrolytes my feet swelled. That resulted in blisters behind a couple of my toenails. Doesn’t that sound awesome? I can assure you it is not.
That day sucked. A good friend of mine who does Ironman competitions reminded me that this is why we have bad runs BEFORE the event day, so we can workout all the bugs and really shine come game time. He was right, and I have since made some big changes in the last 8 days.
1.) I was using GU gels during my runs, but not having them often enough. I now will ingest one every 30 mins while running.
2.) I now carry water AND gatorade with me.
3.) I eat a bigger breakfast before long runs. A carb, peanut butter on it and a banana.
4.) I bought new running shoes 1 size larger to compensate for my feet swelling. (Already they feel amazing.)
5.) I invested in some different run-wear quick dry clothes. What a HUGE difference. I sweat, but my clothes stay bone dry.

So, now I’m ready.
I did a 5 mile run yesterday and tried all the new changes and it went swimmingly well.
7 days and counting…
I can’t believe it is here. I cannot believe that I will be running 13.1 miles and doing it under 200 pounds. I’m just beside myself. But here it is. And here I am. Ready… for anything.

there is no finish line

Today I ran 10 miles. Some of them weren’t pretty, but I ran my heart out and was happy to be done. I hydrated better this time and ate really well. There was NO runner’s poop when I got home- thank you lord! I did have some abdominal cramping but other than that I felt ok. I ate some carbs then treated my self to a small vanilla shake. (That shit tasted AH-MAZING.) I’m still pounding the water and I don’t feel as fatigued as last time, though I just noticed how achey my knees and feet are. I’m a little worried… Next week Sunday I’m doing a 12 mile beach run. It will be easier on my legs and feet, even though I know the half marathon is on asphalt. I just want to do a 12 mile run that will feel easy so I won’t be freaked out as to how 13.1 miles will feel when I actually do them on the street. Did I mention I’m worried?

Last week was a struggle. It was very hard to keep up with all the food and workout stuff. I had to really talk myself into those early mornings at the gym. The treadmill felt like a prison. Honestly, I’m just really fucking tired and need a break. I have been working at this since May of last year and I am just…exhausted. My good friend, Coco and I exchanged several text messages about just how exhausted we are. We both acknowledge this is a lifetime gig; there is no finish line. It’s sometimes very daunting. I just keep telling myself to keep on pushing. I’m still trying to break 200 (And yes, I still had a vanilla shake. I wanted it.) and I gotta do this little run at the end of the month. I have decided that after my event I am going to give myself the week off. I have talked to my trainer about it and even he agrees I need a break/reward. He keeps saying I’m going to hit a wall if I don’t take a “real break”. Even professional athletes do this apparently. Well, guess what? I hit that wall. I’m taking that break in just a few weeks. I will sleep in, rest my body, stretch and try to eat mindfully, but other than that I will remain still. This body could use some stillness.

In spite of a hard week, my good friend Laurie convinced me for the second time in 2 weeks to do a sunrise hike. I did this hike last week with her too at a very early hour. This time we met even earlier (at 5:30 am) and with flash lights in-hand, we ascended Bishop’s Peak. It was all but completely dark for the first 25 mins. We climbed quickly and got to the top in just about 45 mins. I was drenched and tired, but the view was amazing and SO satisfying. We climbed that thing so fast, so determined and saw gold at the top. We both agreed that was the fastest either of us had done it. The first time I ever tried it it took me 90 mins. We did a round trip in less than that.


Last weekend I drove down into Los Angeles to see my family. Like always it was wonderful and seeing my family -especially my niece and nephew, always ALWAYS fills my love tank. They are so full of joy and life and love. They say the smartest, silliest, most honest words. And in those moments I want to bottle -up all that good stuff and keep it in a vial in my purse, and with me at all times.
I hope one day I have a family like that of my own.
If not… I may just be a lesbian. I’m sort of half serious. I know I have touched on this before, but I’m thinking maybe it’s something I’ll explore later. Seriously, there is this real possibility that I may never get a chance to have children, and if and when that day comes I don’t want to be lonely. I want companionship. I get along with woman. I think woman are beautiful to look at and to hold. I could entertain this idea and get real with it, I think. Or, as I’ve told my good friends, you might just all have come along for the ride if I decide to go through a lesbian phase. So there. And I promise if this ever comes to fruition, I won’t hit on any of you! See? Happy? Everyone take a breath now.

Here, look at this picture from my hike. Magic, right? Think of this and not me scissoring some girl named, Mo.

*I just can’t refuse it, like the way you do this, keep on rockin’ to it…

A month from today is my half marathon.
When my eyes snapped open this morning, it was the first thing I thought of. And at that moment it was about 8:15, which is precisely (approximately) the time I hope to be crossing the finish line. That gives me 2 1/2 hours to complete 13.1 miles. It’s doable, and it’s just a tiny personal goal I’ve thrown into the mix of all this. My ultimate goal of course is to just finish the damn thing. And I will. I just can’t believe it’s so close to the big day now. Wow. That was a fast 9 months.

I’m so excited and scared, I can barely breathe.
I’ll be starting my run with this song that morning. It’s my go-to when I need to workout/run hard. It’s kind of a prayer for me.

Let the count down begin!

Please don’t stop the music…

now vs. then

I’m having a great morning. I slept really, really well after reading this article. Woke-up feeling bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, ran and felt pretty great. My current weight is 201.8. I know the scale shouldn’t matter but I feel pretty amazing right now. I’m so close to being under 200, I can taste it.
I was making myself some breakfast this morning (because I NEVER skip breakfast) and while I was looking in my refrigerator I couldn’t help but notice how things have changed in my kitchen. So here is a list of things I used to eat, and how that has changed during this journey.

278 pounds, when things were bad. At any given moment my kitchen was STOCKED as such:
Some sort of half eaten cake- with the fork always left in the container.
White flour pasta
Alfredo sauce in a jar
Macaroni and cheese boxes
A case of wine
Kettle chips
Several kinds of cheeses
Frozen meals such as, Orange Chicken with fried rice, Lasagna, pot pies, meatloaf, enchiladas.
A trashcan full of fast food containers; Burger King, Mc Donalds, the chinese joint down the street, The mexican place that knows me by the name, Pizza boxes, donut boxes.
Whole milk
Corn Pops cereal
ice cream

When I got started losing weight:
Weight Watcher meals
Lean Cuisine meals
Fruit- mostly bananas and apples
Bag o’salad
Fat Free chocolate pudding
Low Fat milk
Half a case of wine
Pop Chips
Rotisserie Chicken
Veggies for WW Zero Point Soup (I ate A LOT of this)
Water by the case
corn tortillas
Whole grain bread
Low Fat salad dressing

What I eat now:
Hard boiled eggs
Can tuna
chicken- boiled or grilled
Spinach or dark greens- romaine ends or butter lettuce.
red cabbage
Unsweetened, vanilla almond milk
frozen fruit for smoothies (peaches, blueberries, mango)
Whey Protein
Flax (seeds and ground)
Whole wheat pasta
Marinara sauce
Salad dressing with little or no sugar
Sandwich thins, multigrain or wheat
Low Fat Miracle Whip
Olive Oil
Peanut butter
Almonds and cashews
Veggie patties
Greek Yogurt
Bag of shredded cheese
sweet potatoes
Gallons of water
Wine- I buy 1 bottle at a time- not a case or half a case, no matter how good the deal is.

Things have changed dramatically, because I have changed just as such. When I first started doing this, the last list would have seemed like a punishment, but now I think of it as fuel for the week. When I don’t have any of these item on hand, I start feeling panicky. I don’t remember the last time I ate a lean cuisine meal. The idea of that sounds terrible to me now, even though at one time I craved them so.
I still eat chips and donuts sometimes, and from the mexican place that knows my name, but it is so rare I do that, that when I do make those choices I really enjoy the taste and the experience. I eat slowly and close my eyes and still have that joy of eating fun food. Whereas before I just ate without consciousness. I ate without tasting. I swallowed food like I was angry that it was in front of me. I shoveled it in as quickly as it would arrive. I ate because I was bored, it was there, to fill me up emotionally.And that’s a really scary thing.
Other things fill me up now. But it’s taken me a while to get here.