Love and Loss

(First and foremost, before you begin to read, know that I am still full of hope.)

There are moments when I lose all faith in men. I know that sounds awful, but it’s just the truth. I haven’t even really been looking for a partner, or trying to date. But I did put it out there into the universe that I wanted to be noticed, and the universe heard me. But as we all know, the universe has a strange sense of humor.

In the last few months I have had several men float in and out my life rather quickly. Sometimes they left before I even realized they had crept into my sight. None of them had the will or the capacity to really get to know me though. But here are a few examples of what happened.

A boy invites me to a BBQ, does not show up because he decided he needed a Papa Smurf tattoo instead. I’m not kidding.

After several months of flirting with me, The Physician’s Assistant at my office sends sexy text messages to me, approaches me in my massage room and kisses me in a way that says, let’s get naked, then never follows-up or calls or texts me again.

A friend’s friend wants to meet me after seeing several pictures of me. When we finally have a conversation, the first thing he wants to know is how old I am. When I tell him 36 (he is 25), he then precedes to tell me how good I look for my age, but really that was out of his range. *I wasn’t even all that interested…

Met a boy at a bar through a mutual friend, we hit it off. He calls several days later and remembers all kinds of details I told him about myself the night we met. I swoon. Me have a date, a great date, and make plans to meet-up again on the weekend. The events that followed after our meeting went something like this; he saw fat pictures of me on Facebook, deleted his friend request, didn’t return my phone call asking him about the weekend, and I never heard from again.  It may sounds silly, but I cried. A lot. I also got really drunk and cried the next day too. Pathetic much?

So much for chivalry.

I realize eventually I’ll need to get back on that horse and ride. One day I will. I just had some very hard realizations through this all. Losing weight hasn’t made my life easier or better in every capacity. That’s not to say I have the burning desire to be fat again, because believe me, I do not. But I think there was this part of me that thought when I was at a certain weight/size men would see me differently and react. Well, that has happened, but love isn’t exactly knocking down my door. Just because I’ve lost nearly 80 pounds, I am not bullet proof when it comes to the disappointment of rejection. I had forgotten what that felt like. Losing weight doesn’t make your heart an less sensitive. I also think maybe I’m just not ready for all this yet. I needed validation that I was attractive and I got it. I need to embrace that, so I don’t want to dwell on this for too long. Honestly, I just don’t have time. And secondly, I don’t want to be that “I just need a good man” type. I know there is more to life and with that I acknowledge just how much better a lot of things have gotten since the drop in weight.

Here is my good list:

-I’m smaller. I’m in a size 14 now. A true size 14. No 16’s can stay on my hips. It’s funny. Shopping is suddenly so easy.

-I’m faster. I recently ran my second 10k of the summer. I took a 10 whole minutes off my time between the first and the last run.

-I’m happier. Exercise does wonders of your psyche.

-I have more energy. In fact, I took some photos for a good friend of mine this week, and it was an all day thing. I was up and down ladders, crawling on the ground, running through sand- and I wasn’t breathless once. I didn’t even break a sweat.

-People tell me how good I look- VERY often.

When I start making lists of good things that are happening, I understand just how much I need to focus on the very important things right now. Meeting a man shouldn’t really be a priority. I have a half marathon to run in 6 weeks. I start another semester of school in 4 weeks. I’m 3 pounds away from breaking the 200 mark. I’ll be moving at the end of the year and have many things to tie-up. THOSE are the things that really matter right now. That’s where my focus needs to be.

 

This is my new favorite running song. It’s pretty fitting right now.
I am Titanium

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One thought on “Love and Loss

  1. Veronica M. says:

    I love how you write! You tell your story so well. Man, these guys. It’s hard not to get on the I Hate Men train when I hear these stories. And we all have stories like these! Though really, the papa smurf tattoo did sound important…

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