Don’t mess with me, I’m a massage therapist.

(Friday kinda sucked. So I woke up in a shitty mood and worked a long day. This post is based on my work and mood this afternoon. I’ll explain Friday and it’s revelations later.)

Things your massage therapist is thinking about you during your session:

Dude. Your feet fucking stink.

Oh. My. Gawd. Those are the biggest fake boobs I have ever seen in my life

Lady, if I apply anymore pressure I’m going to pop-out your kidney through your bellybutton

How can someone have so many ugly tattoos? Were you in jail?

I’m at your feet, how can I possibly smell your breath from this end?

Please stop talking please stop talking please stop talking please stop talking.

Please talk to me, I’m bored.

Oh how cute your teeny-tiny erection is.

You are so damn dry. How can I possibly be applying this much lotion? Loofa much?

Girl, if I can see your bush hairs poking through the top sheet, you CLEARLY need to weed whack that shit. I mean, seriously? How do you even wipe?

This has to be the smallest/biggest penis I have ever seen.

You’re snoring, already? Break time! Woo!

I only have an hour, honey. I can’t reset bones and shit. 

Oh God, you wore pantyhose all day with no underwear and I can smell your ass.

Wow, it’s a weave!

Skinny Bitch.

Bathing yourself in cologne is NOT considered a shower.

Um, you are completely naked…with socks on?

Holy shit. What the fuck is wrong with your skin! Is that…oozing?

Yea, I didn’t really mean it when I said, “take your time getting up.”

(In cases of couples massages)

You’re reeeeaaaally going to hold hands the whole time. (roll eyes)

You know, we can hear what your saying even though your whispering to each other.

How did you possibly marry this dumb fuck?

Is this his daughter?

Oh God, they are both moaners. What a horrible visual.

Gold digging whore.

Yep, you paid 75 dollars more to hear your partner snore/fart/moan in the same room as you.

They’re totally going to bang when we leave the room.

You want another picture of the two of you laying in the massage beds? uggghhhhh.


Also, sometimes we take pictures with our phones. Shhhhhhh….


3 thoughts on “Don’t mess with me, I’m a massage therapist.

  1. Donn says:

    OMG!!! This is F-ing FUNNY!!!!

  2. Tana says:

    note to self: make sure i have clean feet, a breath mint & a well manicured bush when going for a massage.

  3. Veronica M. says:

    Best/scariest post ever!

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