*I’m on the edge with you

Days before the Xmas holiday my grandmother was laid to rest. A few days later I was back in LA for a hit and run Christmas with family. It’s kind of a blur. I know I was happy to be there, I ate a lot, drank a lot and took a lot of photos of my niece and nephew. When December was all over, I was exhausted- just like my entire family. On NYE I sent 2011 off by eating really awesome/greasy/local Chinese food. I went to bed at 10pm. I opened one eye at 12:01 exactly and turned the light off and went to bed. I was happy to be home. I live in a town of college yahoos. I had no desire to be out and about with them.

On January 8th I turned 36. I had a fantastic birthday. I hiked in the morning, ate at my favorite places, did some of my favorite things. And 36 did not feel so bad at all… Until my doctor visit days after, when my doctor asked me if I was planning on having children, since she noticed I had just had a birthday. I told her, yes. And she told me I should start thinking about it seriously, before it gets harder. Harder. Because apparently, trying to have a baby right now might be difficult.
I know what you are all thinking, but, I had to really face the fact recently that I may never have children. There are no men in my life to help me accomplish this. I do not have time to pursue it. And honestly, I just don’t want to. Doctors are great with truth, aren’t they?

I started school this week. It has been humbling and overwhelming. I wasn’t prepared. I’m still not prepared. I’m silently freaking out. My week ended great, with my first A on my first exam. What’s that you say? An exam on the first week of school? Why, yes! Welcome to community college Hell. But despite that A, it really put into perspective that this is going to be hard.
On top of that, I’m working out like a maniac. I’ve lost 10 pounds since Jan 1. And I’m trying to lose another 40 by May 1st. Also, I have officially decided to run the Disney Half Marathon in September this year. My good friend Tia talked me into it, and now I have talked my other good friend, Tana, into it as well! Yay? 13.1 miles is a long, LONG fucking way. But, it’s achievable. One mile at a time, one pound at a time. I haven’t seen my body at under 200 since early in high school. When I run this event I will be 185. That’s my plan, at least. It’s going to be a very busy year. It’s an obsessive, everyday mentality that I have adopted. I’m going to lose another 50 pounds by May, and in September I shall run 13.1 miles.
It’s the only thing I feel like I have control of right now. Because going to school and the genuine fear of never having kids, is far too much to handle. Those things are pending. Weight loss is imminent.

Also EVERYONE SINGLE CLIENT I know wants a private massage now. Like I have a list, but no time to do these people- or most of them. Seriously, where the Hell were these clients when I was moments away from eating cat food? Ok, not cat food but fersure Ramen noodles. Which by the way are a shit load of points if you are doing Weight Watchers, like moi.
This year is crazy. Insane. All I can do is hang on.

I’m not complaining. A lot of people I know are starting the year with such deep heartache, I can barely breathe. I have heard and seen everything in these first 22 days of the year, from a horrible and impossible work place, to an HIV positive diagnosis. And then my very good friend lost her father suddenly, unexpectedly and brutally. I have never prayed more in my life than I have in these first few days of January 2012.

Whatever happens this year, or doesn’t happen, I need to try my hardest. We all need to try our hardest to just live, and live that life the best way we can. Whatever that means, I guess.

This song helps.


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