Standing in the way of control

I had my weigh-in today. I’ve somehow managed to lose .2 pounds, which is pretty darn awesome considering I lost my shit last week. I was really hoping it would be less, because according to my scale at home it is less. But I have to remember I don’t weigh myself naked at Weight Watchers. But, man, I would if they’d let me. If I had a weight loss center of my own, I’d require a naked weigh-in, with a laxative option to come back and do it again in 3 hours if you weren’t happy with the first weigh-in.
People would line up out the door I’m telling you.
I’ve been hanging out around this weight almost all of October. And here we are, 2 days into November. I’m trying to get to 228.8. That isn’t my ultimate goal of course. But it will mark a 50 pound weight loss as of 228.8. When I started this round of my weight loss journey I was 278.8. That was May 1st. I’m somewhere between 230-31 today.
I didn’t even realize it had gotten that bad, honestly. When I moved to the central coast I was about 207 ish, a size 12-14 and pretty happy. Then I got unhappy. And over 4 years I gained 70 pounds. Somehow.
I remember back in April the job I was at was changing our uniforms. I didn’t really think much of it until I realized my uniform had been ordered for me, without asking me what size I wore. To my horror, the XL that was issued to me was too small. It was skin tight and I couldn’t roll it over my stomach. In a hot panic, I started to sweat and cry. I had 3 days until I had to start wearing it. So that night I had to go online, find the manufacture, and express order a XXL. To buy it and have it shipped to me next-day-delivery, it was 78 dollars. That’s how much being fat cost me in that one moment. It was mortifying. But I got my shirt and wore it and hopefully, no one was the wiser.
After that day, I knew it was time. I could not ignore my body any longer. So I did the 17 day diet, lost 15 pounds then promptly joined WW. I’ve also been working my ass off at the gym.

What I’ve think learned here is that, I have a really hard time putting my needs first. I was so worried about all the shitty things happening in those 4 years, I lost total sight of me and what is actually good for me…like exercise. And vegetables. And not eating a box cake for dinner or a drinking a bottle of wine alone every night. I had forgotten how good it feels to actually feel good, and that my dear friends is really fucking sad. I’m working on it…
And I’m not all the way there yet, but I know it’s just around the bend. The only one standing in the way of control is me.

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3 thoughts on “Standing in the way of control

  1. Sister says:

    I think this post is incredibly brave and I’m beyond proud of you. I’m glad that you’ve decided to put yourself first because you need to remember that YOU matter. Keep up the good work. I love my sister.

  2. Veronica M. says:

    Ugh, that hit so close to home right now I could cry. Except I have a cubicle, not an office with a door so it would be pretty dramatic and awkward.

    Your weight-loss so far has been GREAT!!!! I know you’re beating yourself up because it’s been faster up to this point, and you had a mini food vacation recently, but it’s still fantastic! You can’t be “perfect” at it. Remember, ebb and flow.

  3. Tana says:

    please tell me about this 17 day diet! love you.

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