I hate being fat


After a weekend of not-so-great choices, OK it may be more like a week of not tracking points and late night wine and Halloween candy, I am back on the carrots again. Carrots and hummus and water… Mmmm (sad face).
I can explain though. I had a rough week. First, my car was taking in to the body shop for some repairs it suffered during an accident. It’s stressful worrying about a rental car and insurance agents and their lack-there-of assistance. Then, there was the un-date I had. That’s correct because it wasn’t a date exactly, but after I got home that night I realized in big screaming proclamation: I do not wish to be single. Further more, I would even go so far as wishing singlehood and dating on my worst enemy. Only that it would include some horrible STD along with it, but I digress… The undate will get it’s own entry. It’s that awful. So, after my car woes and my undate, my cat had an abscess on it’s head which exploded in my hands while petting him on the kitchen counter. I had to remedy first aid to my poor cat, all by myself. Pus. Blood. More pus. FML. By Thursday I had gotten my car repaired, but took it to the dealer for a check engine light and overheating issue… 600 dollars later and they still have my car, because I live in BFE and the part needed to be ordered because NO ONE within 300 miles of me has the part. Thank heavens for October and it’s 5 weeks. I had the money. The car will be ready tomorrow. Then I found out my good friend, Nat got engaged. Huge ring, young guy who worships her and after 5 months of courtship he flies her to Mexico to propose. On a boat. At sunset. With a huge ring. And mariachis singing and shit. Yesterday I found out that a friend of mine who’s been shooting photography for 3 months entered a photo contest and won. I entered this contest too. I did not win. I’ve been shooting pictures for 7 years. I entered 4 pictures in this news paper thing. He entered one…That he took from his iPhone.
So, I ate. And drank. And somewhere in between that there was Xanax involved. I’m thoroughly depressed. I’m at a standstill with my weight loss. I’m uninspired by my photography. I’m freaking out about the idea of going back to community college after 4 years. And, I’m lonely.
I just want to do what has always come naturally and eat my heart out- literally. But instead I’m eating fucking carrots and drinking water. It’s a new week. Things have to get better from here. They just have to! I gave all my fat clothes away, so gaining is not an option. But I have to say, if I had my old jeans it might be.


5 thoughts on “I hate being fat

  1. Sister says:

    My poor sister. 😦 You had a rough week. I’m so sorry. I wish you lived near me so that I could console you in person. XOXO

  2. veronicam13 says:

    Girl, you deserve so much. You’re such a catch that if we were lesbians, I would’ve snatched your ass up in a hot second! I’m not even kidding. I’d go through my list of your lovely and awesome qualities, but I’d rather save them for the next time you’re feeling low. Seriously, next time just say the word and I’ll text you my list. Yes, I have a list. I spent 1 1/2 days with you and you showed more qualities than most people have shown me in years of friendship. 
    And I’m on the same boat as you regarding weight. I know what it’s like to wake up after falling off the wagon and beating myself up until I’m anxiety ridden.
    I’m sorry you dealt with so much crap lately. That’s life’s ebb and flow, though. Sometimes the ebbs bunch up but eventually you just flow again. I wish you long, long, peaceful flowing with all the energy I can muster.

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