Monthly Archives: October 2011

The (un)Date

I went to school with this guy, Mike. He wasn’t a big deal in high school, he was always referred to as the band director’s son- because that’s what he was. We knew each other because of course, I was in band. We also knew each other because his best friend and my best friend dated and had a baby together at the ripe age of 17 and 18. But other than all that, we barely knew each other. But this year we became “friends” on Facebook, because everyone else is doing it, right? And when you don’t hate those certain people you went to high school with and want to stalk them and see how fucked-up their lives became, you add them as friends on Facebook! So I added Mike. No attraction, not a whole lot in common- still, other than the fact that we still know the same people.
Mike has been in the Army since about 45 days after graduation. He is the typical Army guy all the way, complete with “Go Army” tattoo’d across the undersides of his forearms. He’s served 3 tours in Iraq. He wants to be promoted and deployed to Afghanistan. Wants. And the reason I know all this is because by pure chance he is training just 50 miles north of my area, and was just as bored as me and we met for a movie and gossip. As in, I wanted to gossip. He wanted to talk about his miserable existence. But I’ll get to all that…
Earlier we had exchanged some FB messages when we realized we were in the same area we both mentioned we should meet-up. It was all innocent, truly. No flirting. No suggestive talk. Just friendly. We decided to meet for a movie last Monday. He was off at 5, me 6 and a movie started at 8.
When I was at home getting ready to head back out, I confided in a friend that I wanted to look pretty, because I haven’t really seen anyone since high school, and certainly now I looked much different. So although I was casual, I wore my cute jeans, cute shapely sweater and did full hair and make-up. Red lipstick! Curled hair! I felt… Pretty.
I got to the theater a bit early and decided because it was my town I would buy our tickets, so I did.
Mike showed up as scheduled. 745 sharp.
He was in his Army camos. Like head to toe in dessert storm camouflage. Perhaps a tad awkward. I mean, he was done at 5pm… Why didn’t he change clothes? Apparently he wanted to look different too. We hugged, said hello and laughed about not seeing each other since graduation. I told him I got his ticket, and he kindly thanked me then we walked in. He noticed my hair, told me he liked it… But then asked me, “is it yours?” Like, all serious. Because apparently it looks fake OR because the only way one can have good hair is to buy it. Yes, its mine, I stated and tried not to look horrified. So…
I told him I was thirsty and wanted a soda. So to the concession stand we went. He said he wanted nothing. So I ordered my diet coke. And when I was rang-up I looked at him, but he was turned away and texting… Nice manners, Sgt. Thanks for letting me buy my own soda after spending 20 bux on tickets. It was awkward. Even the 16 year old behind the counter looked all, wtf? Just to review here: Camouflage, cheapskate, is my hair real?
We went into the theater and had time to kill and “talk”. I use this term loosely, because, really I was trying to wipe that snarl from my mouth as I sat and listened to him talk about his 3 marriages and 3 divorces. Three. He’s 36. Just to be funny I asked how he felt about lucky number 4, and this is pretty much what he said- though ever so lightly paraphrased.
“Here’s the thing, I do wanna get married and buy a house and all that, but I’m 36 and I’ll need to meet someone who doesn’t want to have kids, because I can’t [I didn’t ask]. and if I meet someone younger than me she’ll have to be ok with not having my kids. Or I need to be ok with raising her kids. But If I meet someone my age, the same things will have to apply. But if I meet someone who is my age who has never been married and doesn’t have kids clearly something must be wrong with her! I mean, if you are 35-36 and you fit that bill, no one has has touched you for a reason.”
I just want to state which may not be obvious here, I’m 35 and in 2 months i’ll be 36. I have never been married. And I do not have children. But I want those things. In fact I uprooted my entire life because I thought I’d actually have those things in return. But here I am, unmarried. No children. And I’m supposed to believe there is something wrong with me, because surely being married and divorced thrice by 36 means there is nothing wrong with you? I was stunned.
I kept waiting for him to apologize or back peddle on his rant, to say something… Anything. I just sat there and listened to this guy thinking what a jackass he was and praying for the movie to start, which eventually it did.
As ridiculous as he was, it bothered me. The fact that I am of a certain age, officially unattached, and this is what men possibly may be thinking of girls like me. Are they?
When the movie was over Mike walked me to my car. We made small talk, but that was it. I mentioned something along the lines of that was fun blah blah blah we should do that again sometime in the same fashion one might say “I’ll call you” after a really bad date or interview. To which he responded “I’ll let you know.”
Whatthefuckever, fuck face! I don’t even like you! No wonder you’ve been divorced 3 times! Dick! -all of this of course I kept on the inside.
I drove home, tired. And went to bed and tossed and turned. I forgot what being single was like. I never worried about me meeting new men because I always just assumed I was awesome and perfect, etc… It never occurred to me that I was being sized up as well. Interviewed, or evaluated. It made me realize how much things have change in 7 years, or rather, just how much I have changed.


I hate being fat


After a weekend of not-so-great choices, OK it may be more like a week of not tracking points and late night wine and Halloween candy, I am back on the carrots again. Carrots and hummus and water… Mmmm (sad face).
I can explain though. I had a rough week. First, my car was taking in to the body shop for some repairs it suffered during an accident. It’s stressful worrying about a rental car and insurance agents and their lack-there-of assistance. Then, there was the un-date I had. That’s correct because it wasn’t a date exactly, but after I got home that night I realized in big screaming proclamation: I do not wish to be single. Further more, I would even go so far as wishing singlehood and dating on my worst enemy. Only that it would include some horrible STD along with it, but I digress… The undate will get it’s own entry. It’s that awful. So, after my car woes and my undate, my cat had an abscess on it’s head which exploded in my hands while petting him on the kitchen counter. I had to remedy first aid to my poor cat, all by myself. Pus. Blood. More pus. FML. By Thursday I had gotten my car repaired, but took it to the dealer for a check engine light and overheating issue… 600 dollars later and they still have my car, because I live in BFE and the part needed to be ordered because NO ONE within 300 miles of me has the part. Thank heavens for October and it’s 5 weeks. I had the money. The car will be ready tomorrow. Then I found out my good friend, Nat got engaged. Huge ring, young guy who worships her and after 5 months of courtship he flies her to Mexico to propose. On a boat. At sunset. With a huge ring. And mariachis singing and shit. Yesterday I found out that a friend of mine who’s been shooting photography for 3 months entered a photo contest and won. I entered this contest too. I did not win. I’ve been shooting pictures for 7 years. I entered 4 pictures in this news paper thing. He entered one…That he took from his iPhone.
So, I ate. And drank. And somewhere in between that there was Xanax involved. I’m thoroughly depressed. I’m at a standstill with my weight loss. I’m uninspired by my photography. I’m freaking out about the idea of going back to community college after 4 years. And, I’m lonely.
I just want to do what has always come naturally and eat my heart out- literally. But instead I’m eating fucking carrots and drinking water. It’s a new week. Things have to get better from here. They just have to! I gave all my fat clothes away, so gaining is not an option. But I have to say, if I had my old jeans it might be.

real life can start at 35

I think it was some time ago. I dunno, long long looooooong ago that I realized I couldn’t do massage therapy for the rest of my life. It was after I moved to the central coast of California, after I worked my ass off to obtain two jobs (three if you count that once-a-month gig for 50 bucks). It was after I learned that I could text, take photos and email while working as a massage therapist, and certainly after I realized that I wasn’t getting married any time soon and despite those jobs I had could barely pay my bills here…It was after all that, that  I finally realized: YOU NEED TO FIND ANOTHER PROFESSION.

I really hate change. Like, it makes me feel incredibly nauseous at the very thought of it. I attribute this to the fact that I had so, so much change in the last 4 years that I have become quite comfortable in my little cozy cottage in Los Osos doing the same things day in and day out. The fog around this place keeps all reality out. Mostly. It also is incredibly lonely here. Beautiful and mysterious at times- but lonely. It’s really not the kind of place to be if you are in a very solid routine of gym, work and nothing else, which is exactly where I am. Because living here, with just those things going for you will drive you absolutely insane.

I feel like life is passing me by here. Everyone elses life has moved forward in some way. People got married, had children, bought houses, obtained degrees, traveled, died, moved or just found happiness doing something else. I am in that unhappy-but-content spot. And I really hate it here. And I needed a small push… OK, I needed a project manager to plan my life. So my good friend Stephanie gave me a push. Sent me the links and gave me a to-do list, bullet pointed and everything with timelines and stuff.

Today I registered for community college, with the interest of obtaining my nursing degree. Because something needs to change in my life. Something needs to excite me again. Some seeds of happiness and success need to be planted and nurtured so I can change and grow in a positive way. In a way where I can still help people, but also help myself. So, I did it. Transcripts ordered. Registration started. Passwords set. I registered at 4 school. Two are here and two are back home in LA, because I have no idea where I will be in 4 months. But I really wanna know. Because I think I’m ready for the ground to move. I’m ready to start taking care of me. And I really want my life to begin. For real this time.